So we arrived in Evanston today; move-in and the start of
Welcome Week, are tomorrow, which is insane. None of this feels real. Everyone
else has already been in college for what seems like forever, and though my
awkward limbo state for the past two weeks has been, well, awkward and limbo-y,
it felt familiar still – it was like summer hadn’t ended, like I was hanging
around the house waiting for friends to come back from vacation.
We’re staying at this hotel in downtown Evanston,
approximately six or seven blocks from my old house. It’s been 8 years since we
moved, but I’ve visited Evanston nearly every year since then – either being
dropped off or picked up from the buses for camp. Honestly, it feels wrong to
be here again, like I’m moving backward, regressing, instead of moving on. I
can’t help feeling like maybe I made a mistake, that I should’ve chosen a new
town for college. The weird combination of familiarity and strangeness is just
so disconcerting – I know this town, remember its streets, and yet I don’t
belong. It doesn’t feel like home, but I know it used to be. Besides which,
there isn’t nearly enough greenery – and I already miss the river.
I have this feeling I’ll be fine once I’m on campus; we
never actually spent much time in Northwestern, and unlike downtown, my
memories of it aren’t filled with awkwardness and a sense of non-belonging. Because
the thing is, because we’ve visited so much for camp, my memories of this place
aren’t the over-idealized childhood versions – they’re the awkward, middle
school and junior high, and even high school realities, the times when I was
just with my mom or my dad and we wandered around looking for a place to eat
dinner, and I was either itching to leave or unhappy to be back.
Maybe it’s just because I didn’t live here in junior high/high
school, which is when I really found my footing in terms of friends, but in my
memory, the people in Evanston are different from the people in St. Paul. Not
as nice, not as much like me, people I will always feel a little on edge
talking to. And I know, that’s not true, I just made a few bad friend choices
in elementary school, and the students at Northwestern aren’t necessarily like
the people from Evanston, and the reason I feel such a disconnect with some of
the people at camp is because they all know each other from high school and have
similar experiences they can bond over, but fears and feelings aren’t always
subject to logic or reason.
(I don’t really think this post makes that much sense, but
that’s okay. I feel better for having written it, putting my words on…well, not
paper, but you know. Down somewhere.)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Rambulations
I keep getting the urge to make video blogs and I feel like this is indicative of the fact that I should write more real blogs, since really they're kind of the same thing in different mediums. Anything I would want to talk about in a video blog, it feels like, I should want to talk about in a normal blog, right? Right. Plus, I don't know how to edit things, and also my voice is sort of too loud for my recording device and I hate listening to myself talk.
The past few days have been weird. Now that the state fair is over, I have a completely open schedule, and nothing to fill it with but projects, packing, and reading. Many (i.e., all) of my friends who are going to college this year have already left, most other students (including my sister) have started school, and here I am, watching Netflix, trying to make a quilt, and deciding which sweaters I really need to bring to NU and which can stay here. It's like being in limbo; everyone else keeps talking about their roommates, and classes, and what they're doing, and I'm just biding my time.
It all feels unreal. I think if I still had friends here, it would seem like summer is still going on, and I would be distracted, but being all alone and waiting for college to start gives me plenty of time to think and reflect on how truly removed this all seems. I've been thinking about college for so long, imagining what it would be like, the classes I'd take and the people I'd meet - it still just seems like a daydream.
Sometimes, when I get in moods like these, I start to question who I am. What life is. Why it is I like what I like and don't like what I don't like and whether or not I'm actually alive and a person or if I'm not some pod-person imagining all this like in the Matrix - or maybe I'm in a dream like in Inception. There's this really great word that someone made up - sonder - which I always think of when I start to feel like this: "n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk." Or, in my own much-shorter-but-also-more-confusing way, the sudden understanding that every person feels their own life and their own them-ness in the same way that you feel your own you-ness. That to them, their actions and feelings are valid and reasonable, in the same way that you feel your own actions and feelings are reasonable. And it's related because along with that understanding comes the question of how real your own life is - if you can detach these other people from their own experiences and lives in your heads, who's to say your own experiences are valid? I'm not really effectively getting my point across here, I don't think.
I've been reading a little more lately, which quite honestly doesn't help with this whole thing. Somewhere in my head, the characters and things that happen in books have always seemed like they were in some way real. I know, on an intellectual level, that there is no Hogwats - but on an emotional level, especially when I'm actually reading the books, that universe isn't completely a fantasy. And when I start to believe in those fictional places and people, it makes my own life feel even less real.
Okay. I'm going to stop before I become completely nonsensical.
The past few days have been weird. Now that the state fair is over, I have a completely open schedule, and nothing to fill it with but projects, packing, and reading. Many (i.e., all) of my friends who are going to college this year have already left, most other students (including my sister) have started school, and here I am, watching Netflix, trying to make a quilt, and deciding which sweaters I really need to bring to NU and which can stay here. It's like being in limbo; everyone else keeps talking about their roommates, and classes, and what they're doing, and I'm just biding my time.
It all feels unreal. I think if I still had friends here, it would seem like summer is still going on, and I would be distracted, but being all alone and waiting for college to start gives me plenty of time to think and reflect on how truly removed this all seems. I've been thinking about college for so long, imagining what it would be like, the classes I'd take and the people I'd meet - it still just seems like a daydream.
Sometimes, when I get in moods like these, I start to question who I am. What life is. Why it is I like what I like and don't like what I don't like and whether or not I'm actually alive and a person or if I'm not some pod-person imagining all this like in the Matrix - or maybe I'm in a dream like in Inception. There's this really great word that someone made up - sonder - which I always think of when I start to feel like this: "n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk." Or, in my own much-shorter-but-also-more-confusing way, the sudden understanding that every person feels their own life and their own them-ness in the same way that you feel your own you-ness. That to them, their actions and feelings are valid and reasonable, in the same way that you feel your own actions and feelings are reasonable. And it's related because along with that understanding comes the question of how real your own life is - if you can detach these other people from their own experiences and lives in your heads, who's to say your own experiences are valid? I'm not really effectively getting my point across here, I don't think.
I've been reading a little more lately, which quite honestly doesn't help with this whole thing. Somewhere in my head, the characters and things that happen in books have always seemed like they were in some way real. I know, on an intellectual level, that there is no Hogwats - but on an emotional level, especially when I'm actually reading the books, that universe isn't completely a fantasy. And when I start to believe in those fictional places and people, it makes my own life feel even less real.
Okay. I'm going to stop before I become completely nonsensical.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Your regularly scheduled general media update
The Things I Have Been Watching, Listening to, and Reading
1. Most recent: Dr. Who. I started it earlier this month, and am absolutely loving it. Honestly, I have no idea why; when I first began, I was really put off by pretty much every character, and even Google'd "How to watch Dr. Who" in a vain attempt to figure out what I was doing wrong. This led me to an article which suggested watching the first episode with Matt Smith as the Doctor, which I promptly did, and was inspired enough to go back and have another go at the first season. By the end, Christopher Ecclestion started to grow on me, surprisingly, and I was actually sad to see him replaced by David Tenant. I won't lie, the whole ambiguous romantic thing bothers me a lot, and if I watch it for too long I get the urge to speak in a British accent, but still. It's steadily climbing up there in my list of favorite television shows.
2. I've also returned to the vlogbrothers (hence all the references in the last post) and am now approximately 90 videos away from being up to date (considering I was about two years behind last time I went hardcore and tried to catch up, this is extremely impressive). Again, if I watch it for too long, I start to want to speak like John and Hank. It's sort of weird.
(I just watched three episodes of Dr. Who, and right now as I type this I am imagining Mickey saying all of it. It's exceedingly disconcerting.)
3. Fight Club. Read it, feel slightly disturbed, liked it more than Gatsby or Animal Farm though. Good writing/lyricalness but completely depressing worldview (may have been point, do not really care though).
4. The Dark Knight Rises. Saw it on a day off at camp. Not the biggest fan of Anne Hathaway; I felt that Marion Cotillard had waaaaay more chemistry with Christian Bale. Also, not sure how I feel about the return-to-first-movie plotline thing; in the first movie, the whole thing seemed far-fetched, and I felt the same way this time when they re-introduced the Brotherhood. I don't know, I just really like The Dark Knight because it felt like something that could almost happen. Not actually, but the Joker was just such an effective villain, and so completely terrifying, that it was always going to be a tough act to follow, and quite honestly, I find the whole idea of a Brotherhood of awesomefantasticninjafighters to be a little campy. I'm not sure if that effectively conveyed my feelings, but oh well.
5. Other movies I've watched: The Immortals (epic and bloody with hot people and I swore a lot while watching it), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (I wasn't as impressed as I wanted to be), A Knight's Tale (oh hey there Heath), Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog (I did not see that ending coming)
1. Most recent: Dr. Who. I started it earlier this month, and am absolutely loving it. Honestly, I have no idea why; when I first began, I was really put off by pretty much every character, and even Google'd "How to watch Dr. Who" in a vain attempt to figure out what I was doing wrong. This led me to an article which suggested watching the first episode with Matt Smith as the Doctor, which I promptly did, and was inspired enough to go back and have another go at the first season. By the end, Christopher Ecclestion started to grow on me, surprisingly, and I was actually sad to see him replaced by David Tenant. I won't lie, the whole ambiguous romantic thing bothers me a lot, and if I watch it for too long I get the urge to speak in a British accent, but still. It's steadily climbing up there in my list of favorite television shows.
2. I've also returned to the vlogbrothers (hence all the references in the last post) and am now approximately 90 videos away from being up to date (considering I was about two years behind last time I went hardcore and tried to catch up, this is extremely impressive). Again, if I watch it for too long, I start to want to speak like John and Hank. It's sort of weird.
(I just watched three episodes of Dr. Who, and right now as I type this I am imagining Mickey saying all of it. It's exceedingly disconcerting.)
3. Fight Club. Read it, feel slightly disturbed, liked it more than Gatsby or Animal Farm though. Good writing/lyricalness but completely depressing worldview (may have been point, do not really care though).
4. The Dark Knight Rises. Saw it on a day off at camp. Not the biggest fan of Anne Hathaway; I felt that Marion Cotillard had waaaaay more chemistry with Christian Bale. Also, not sure how I feel about the return-to-first-movie plotline thing; in the first movie, the whole thing seemed far-fetched, and I felt the same way this time when they re-introduced the Brotherhood. I don't know, I just really like The Dark Knight because it felt like something that could almost happen. Not actually, but the Joker was just such an effective villain, and so completely terrifying, that it was always going to be a tough act to follow, and quite honestly, I find the whole idea of a Brotherhood of awesomefantasticninjafighters to be a little campy. I'm not sure if that effectively conveyed my feelings, but oh well.
5. Other movies I've watched: The Immortals (epic and bloody with hot people and I swore a lot while watching it), Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (I wasn't as impressed as I wanted to be), A Knight's Tale (oh hey there Heath), Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog (I did not see that ending coming)
What I've been doing for the past two months
So the wheel of life keeps on turning, as it does, and things keep on happening, as they do, and wow I sound melodramatic. I am sure that's something anyone-who-actually-reads-this-on-a-regular-basis has missed.
I haven't written a post in awhile, despite the boatloads of time I have, mostly because I am lazy. I feel bad; I know there aren't really loyal readers out there or anything, but I really don't want this to turn into another side-project that I forget about and never revisit. It's just that senior year was absolutely 100% insane at the end, and then I was hanging out with friends and trying to do real life stuff as much as possible before I left for camp, and then I didn't feel like I had anything to talk about, and yeah. That's how you end up with three posts in 5 months.
Andbutso, I now have lots and lots and lots of things to talk about, and I don't know how. So, to steal a page from the vlogbrothers' book, I'm going to separate this post into parts; 7 of them to be specific, in chronological order
1. I got home from camp, and wrote a letter to camp because I was campsick, which is like being homesick but for camp. Yes. Sometimes I think the things I write would be so much more effective if I were reading them out loud, or rather, if John Green were reading them out loud. Like that sentence for example, try to imagine John Green reading it aloud in his fast voice, and it becomes so much better. If you're reading this and you don't know who John Green is, you should click the link to the vlogbrothers' Youtube channel above, because he and his brother Hank are awesome. We'll come back to this topic later.
2. After coming home from camp, I hung out with some people for a couple days, and then I went to Mackinac Island for our now-annual family get-together for my mom's side. It was not altogether that enjoyable, especially when we had to do the actually-hang-out-with-family portion. Like, I like my nuclear family - when I was just with my mom, dad, and sister, I had fun. And I like my extended family in small doses of time, when no one is stressed and there are adults supervising their own children. But I do not like being assigned the babysitter, particularly after a month of basically being a babysitter but also having real authority and not needing to deal with 5-year-olds, and actually being paid and yeah. I might have gotten a little angry after being forced to sit at the kids table one night for dinner. Also, our hotel was really far from like everything else on the island and also on a giant hill, and there's only bikes and horses on Mackinac, so guess what we did everyday. That's right. BIKED UP A GIANT HILL. Not so much fun.
3. I got a French exchange student, soon after I got back from camp. She was cool. I liked her. We did stuff. I also hung out with more friends during this period of time.
4. Exchange student went home, and I did more things with friends and people started leaving for college and I started vaguely trying to pack for college.
5. I found out where I will be living at college! It's the "communications" dorm, which means it has a lot of Radio/TV/Film (RTVF) people living in it and also two screening rooms and it seems awesome and I live in a single but that is okay because the rooms are suite-style so I sort of have like 7 roommates who I don't actually have to share a room with and there is a kitchen on my floor and a place to put luggage and bikes and my dorm's blog is actually legit and awesome and I am so excited fer kerllergeeeeeee.
6. I started work at the state fair. It alternates between mind-numbingly boring and semi-painful for my feet/knees/back, but I sort of like some of the people who also work there, so that's cool (also, making money is happyful). Many of them are under the impression that I'm about two years younger than I actually am, but whatever.
7. General books/movies/shows over the summer: separate post, because this one is already long and there are lots of things.
I haven't written a post in awhile, despite the boatloads of time I have, mostly because I am lazy. I feel bad; I know there aren't really loyal readers out there or anything, but I really don't want this to turn into another side-project that I forget about and never revisit. It's just that senior year was absolutely 100% insane at the end, and then I was hanging out with friends and trying to do real life stuff as much as possible before I left for camp, and then I didn't feel like I had anything to talk about, and yeah. That's how you end up with three posts in 5 months.
Andbutso, I now have lots and lots and lots of things to talk about, and I don't know how. So, to steal a page from the vlogbrothers' book, I'm going to separate this post into parts; 7 of them to be specific, in chronological order
1. I got home from camp, and wrote a letter to camp because I was campsick, which is like being homesick but for camp. Yes. Sometimes I think the things I write would be so much more effective if I were reading them out loud, or rather, if John Green were reading them out loud. Like that sentence for example, try to imagine John Green reading it aloud in his fast voice, and it becomes so much better. If you're reading this and you don't know who John Green is, you should click the link to the vlogbrothers' Youtube channel above, because he and his brother Hank are awesome. We'll come back to this topic later.
2. After coming home from camp, I hung out with some people for a couple days, and then I went to Mackinac Island for our now-annual family get-together for my mom's side. It was not altogether that enjoyable, especially when we had to do the actually-hang-out-with-family portion. Like, I like my nuclear family - when I was just with my mom, dad, and sister, I had fun. And I like my extended family in small doses of time, when no one is stressed and there are adults supervising their own children. But I do not like being assigned the babysitter, particularly after a month of basically being a babysitter but also having real authority and not needing to deal with 5-year-olds, and actually being paid and yeah. I might have gotten a little angry after being forced to sit at the kids table one night for dinner. Also, our hotel was really far from like everything else on the island and also on a giant hill, and there's only bikes and horses on Mackinac, so guess what we did everyday. That's right. BIKED UP A GIANT HILL. Not so much fun.
3. I got a French exchange student, soon after I got back from camp. She was cool. I liked her. We did stuff. I also hung out with more friends during this period of time.
4. Exchange student went home, and I did more things with friends and people started leaving for college and I started vaguely trying to pack for college.
5. I found out where I will be living at college! It's the "communications" dorm, which means it has a lot of Radio/TV/Film (RTVF) people living in it and also two screening rooms and it seems awesome and I live in a single but that is okay because the rooms are suite-style so I sort of have like 7 roommates who I don't actually have to share a room with and there is a kitchen on my floor and a place to put luggage and bikes and my dorm's blog is actually legit and awesome and I am so excited fer kerllergeeeeeee.
6. I started work at the state fair. It alternates between mind-numbingly boring and semi-painful for my feet/knees/back, but I sort of like some of the people who also work there, so that's cool (also, making money is happyful). Many of them are under the impression that I'm about two years younger than I actually am, but whatever.
7. General books/movies/shows over the summer: separate post, because this one is already long and there are lots of things.
Friday, July 27, 2012
A Letter to Camp
Dear Echo,
I don't what it is about you that keeps me coming back exactly. Everyone always talks about being who they are and the freedom to act like yourself - but honestly, I think I'm just as much myself at home as at camp. Looking at my experience from the outside, it doesn't seem like I should enjoy my time at camp as much as I do - all my good friends are at home, I don't know people as well.
And yet.
There is something undefinable about you, something that makes me miss you the second I'm gone. It's what makes me look through photos on Facebook, and sing campfire songs to myself in my kitchen.
You give me perspective all the time. You remind me how easy it is to have fun, without needing much planning or extra equipment. You show me how much difference one person can make, and how little effort it takes to pick up that piece of litter lying on the ground, or be patient with someone when they're being difficult.
You allow me to push the limits of my comfort zone every year. You have taught me that it's okay to ask questions, that people are seldom as scary as they look, and that the effort I put into something is directly proportional to the reward I receive from it.
I love so many things about you. Campfire songs, taps talks, kissing the moose (on the lips). The way the sun sets on the lake. Flo bread, weather characters, Wacky Wednesday (and MuuMuu Mondays). The stars on a clear night. Hot chocolate at every meal, the smell of campfire on everything, A&C, snaps, sleeping on the porch during a thunderstorm, music in the mornings, quotes at flag raising. You are my second home, the thing I wrote my college essay on, the place I will someday send my children and my grandchildren. I do want to wake up in the morning at dear old Camp Echo; it is indeed the finest place I know. Without a doubt.
Love, Anri
I don't what it is about you that keeps me coming back exactly. Everyone always talks about being who they are and the freedom to act like yourself - but honestly, I think I'm just as much myself at home as at camp. Looking at my experience from the outside, it doesn't seem like I should enjoy my time at camp as much as I do - all my good friends are at home, I don't know people as well.
And yet.
There is something undefinable about you, something that makes me miss you the second I'm gone. It's what makes me look through photos on Facebook, and sing campfire songs to myself in my kitchen.
You give me perspective all the time. You remind me how easy it is to have fun, without needing much planning or extra equipment. You show me how much difference one person can make, and how little effort it takes to pick up that piece of litter lying on the ground, or be patient with someone when they're being difficult.
You allow me to push the limits of my comfort zone every year. You have taught me that it's okay to ask questions, that people are seldom as scary as they look, and that the effort I put into something is directly proportional to the reward I receive from it.
I love so many things about you. Campfire songs, taps talks, kissing the moose (on the lips). The way the sun sets on the lake. Flo bread, weather characters, Wacky Wednesday (and MuuMuu Mondays). The stars on a clear night. Hot chocolate at every meal, the smell of campfire on everything, A&C, snaps, sleeping on the porch during a thunderstorm, music in the mornings, quotes at flag raising. You are my second home, the thing I wrote my college essay on, the place I will someday send my children and my grandchildren. I do want to wake up in the morning at dear old Camp Echo; it is indeed the finest place I know. Without a doubt.
Love, Anri
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Hunger Games AVENGED
So in the scatteredness (is that a word?) of life and stuff, I forgot to write a blog post after I saw The Hunger Games. That is about to be remedied
I went twice, once at midnight and once with my family at a more normal hour. The midnight one was sort of weird; I felt a little dead and empty by the end, just because it was so late. It was nice to see it again while I was actually able to comprehend and detox after in a coherent way. At the same time, it wasn't like I didn't understand or felt tired during the first viewing; I just couldn't really spend time thinking about it afterwards.
Thoughts are as follows:
-The book translated SO WELL to screen. It really read like a screenplay, so the transition to film was beautiful.
-I love how they managed to work in details about the arena and the world in the movie; in the book, Katniss internally narrates, so it was great that they used things like commentators to provide that background information
-Lenny Kravitz as Cinna was creepy. Sorry to everyone who loved him, he just did not do it for me. In the books, Cinna is very clearly NOT interested in girls; Lenny Kravitz didn't manage to convey that in the movie. There were times when he seemed gay, and times when he seemed oddly touchy and it was like the two had a Thing. Which was not okay.
-At first, I thought I didn't really like the way President Snow was played, since I pictured him as a walking skeleton, but on the second viewing I decided I was okay with Donald Sutherland. It wasn't exactly how I pictured it, but it worked.
-JOSH HUNKERSON WELL HELLO
-The scenes with "I volunteer as tribute!" and Rue were heartbreaking but amazing.
-I don't like that they turned Haymitch into a "ha ha funny sarcastic drunk guy who supports Katniss" instead of the cynical, caustic, and extremely traumatized alchoholic that he should be.
-I LOVE YOU STANLEY TUCCI NO MATTER WHAT COLOR YOUR HAIR IS
Also just saw The Avengers.
-It was epic
-It was awesome
-It was funny
-HI CHRIS EVANS
-HI MARK RUFFALO
-HI JEREMY RENNER
-HI ROBERT DOWNEY JR
-ScarJo is a badass and awesome and yes.
I went twice, once at midnight and once with my family at a more normal hour. The midnight one was sort of weird; I felt a little dead and empty by the end, just because it was so late. It was nice to see it again while I was actually able to comprehend and detox after in a coherent way. At the same time, it wasn't like I didn't understand or felt tired during the first viewing; I just couldn't really spend time thinking about it afterwards.
Thoughts are as follows:
-The book translated SO WELL to screen. It really read like a screenplay, so the transition to film was beautiful.
-I love how they managed to work in details about the arena and the world in the movie; in the book, Katniss internally narrates, so it was great that they used things like commentators to provide that background information
-Lenny Kravitz as Cinna was creepy. Sorry to everyone who loved him, he just did not do it for me. In the books, Cinna is very clearly NOT interested in girls; Lenny Kravitz didn't manage to convey that in the movie. There were times when he seemed gay, and times when he seemed oddly touchy and it was like the two had a Thing. Which was not okay.
-At first, I thought I didn't really like the way President Snow was played, since I pictured him as a walking skeleton, but on the second viewing I decided I was okay with Donald Sutherland. It wasn't exactly how I pictured it, but it worked.
-JOSH HUNKERSON WELL HELLO
-The scenes with "I volunteer as tribute!" and Rue were heartbreaking but amazing.
-I don't like that they turned Haymitch into a "ha ha funny sarcastic drunk guy who supports Katniss" instead of the cynical, caustic, and extremely traumatized alchoholic that he should be.
-I LOVE YOU STANLEY TUCCI NO MATTER WHAT COLOR YOUR HAIR IS
Also just saw The Avengers.
-It was epic
-It was awesome
-It was funny
-HI CHRIS EVANS
-HI MARK RUFFALO
-HI JEREMY RENNER
-HI ROBERT DOWNEY JR
-ScarJo is a badass and awesome and yes.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
A New Layout for Blogger and Nostalgia
I leave for what? A month? And this is what I come back to. A completely new layout. I have to say, it's much prettier than the old one.
Things have been happening, as they often do. This being senior year and all, a lot of those things are lasts. Tonight was my last high school orchestra concert, and tomorrow will be my last high school band concert. Neither of these facts have hit me yet; I haven't felt the urge to cry, I haven't gotten too nostalgic. It doesn't really feel like I'm leaving. I am though.
The thing is, sometimes I feel like I realize things earlier than other people seem to, but the true weight of the realization doesn't hit me until long after. I realized at the end of swim season how final this year truly was, but now I just don't feel all that emotional about it. When other people start talking about how sad it is, then I get sad. When I really think about it, I get a little upset. But unless I try and make myself feel these emotions, they just aren't really there.
When we moved it was like this too. I knew all the facts early on; I had resigned myself to moving two or three years before we ended up leaving. My dad kept being transferred, from Washington D.C. to San Francisco, and then to St. Paul - and every time I was told we might move. So that by the time we did move, it was no longer a surprise. I'm not sure I cried when we left, or in the weeks before it. I was upset, to be sure, but it wasn't until we were in Minnesota that I really got into it. After I came home from camp, I cried myself to sleep a couple of times. So right now I'm excited for college, but I'm sure two weeks after everyone's left I'll just have a breakdown.
That was the first thing I wanted to say about nostalgia. The other thing is slightly more complicated, and harder to describe.
As backstory: I am a nostalgic person, in case you haven't figured it out. I own nearly every Disney soundtrack to the movies I grew up with. I regularly rewatch movies from my childhood. Reliving the past is something I do on a semi-regular basis.
Today, as I mentioned, we had our orchestra concert, and afterwards we went out for ice cream. There was a large group of us, so we ended up outside, and in the course of our conversation, I brought up the fact that when I was little, we had a very large (and I mean, really large) bin filled with toys from McDonalds. I had nearly every character from Anastasia, Tarzan, Mulan, Hercules - I would re-enact scenes, and have characters from different movies meet each other.
Anyway though, so I mentioned this bin, and right after I said that we had all the Tarzan toys, one of the people I was with started flipping out. He was almost crying, but happy at the same time - the way you get when you feel nostalgic. That's what was happening. He said he was "remembering his childhood" - as if somehow, he had managed to forget it.
I couldn't understand. The other people I was with started to remember other things too - like the Beanie Babies you could get for a while - and he was getting more and more freaked out and agitated, but again, happy too. After awhile I left, because it was getting out of hand (we were outside, it was pretty late, and it didn't seem appropriate to be screaming). But I can't get over what he said at first - "I'm remembering my childhood." How could you ever forget that much of it? Maybe it's just because I'm constantly reminding myself, but the things from my childhood are never far from my mind. When I start to get excited about old toys or shows or movies with people, it's because I'm excited by the fact that someone else remembers them too - not because I ever forgot. I always thought that was normal, but maybe I've been wrong. Maybe sometimes people do lose track of what the past was like.
The weird bit for me was that this guy is someone who's very in touch with his inner 5-year-old. So for him to become so upset and seem so completely awestruck by these memories was unsettling. In the end, I feel like it mostly just ends up being a product of the energy of so many people combined with the emotion of our last concert, but I can't help but wonder if that's how everyone else lives - forgetting about the past and being surprised when it does appear. It would explain a lot about politics.
Things have been happening, as they often do. This being senior year and all, a lot of those things are lasts. Tonight was my last high school orchestra concert, and tomorrow will be my last high school band concert. Neither of these facts have hit me yet; I haven't felt the urge to cry, I haven't gotten too nostalgic. It doesn't really feel like I'm leaving. I am though.
The thing is, sometimes I feel like I realize things earlier than other people seem to, but the true weight of the realization doesn't hit me until long after. I realized at the end of swim season how final this year truly was, but now I just don't feel all that emotional about it. When other people start talking about how sad it is, then I get sad. When I really think about it, I get a little upset. But unless I try and make myself feel these emotions, they just aren't really there.
When we moved it was like this too. I knew all the facts early on; I had resigned myself to moving two or three years before we ended up leaving. My dad kept being transferred, from Washington D.C. to San Francisco, and then to St. Paul - and every time I was told we might move. So that by the time we did move, it was no longer a surprise. I'm not sure I cried when we left, or in the weeks before it. I was upset, to be sure, but it wasn't until we were in Minnesota that I really got into it. After I came home from camp, I cried myself to sleep a couple of times. So right now I'm excited for college, but I'm sure two weeks after everyone's left I'll just have a breakdown.
That was the first thing I wanted to say about nostalgia. The other thing is slightly more complicated, and harder to describe.
As backstory: I am a nostalgic person, in case you haven't figured it out. I own nearly every Disney soundtrack to the movies I grew up with. I regularly rewatch movies from my childhood. Reliving the past is something I do on a semi-regular basis.
Today, as I mentioned, we had our orchestra concert, and afterwards we went out for ice cream. There was a large group of us, so we ended up outside, and in the course of our conversation, I brought up the fact that when I was little, we had a very large (and I mean, really large) bin filled with toys from McDonalds. I had nearly every character from Anastasia, Tarzan, Mulan, Hercules - I would re-enact scenes, and have characters from different movies meet each other.
Anyway though, so I mentioned this bin, and right after I said that we had all the Tarzan toys, one of the people I was with started flipping out. He was almost crying, but happy at the same time - the way you get when you feel nostalgic. That's what was happening. He said he was "remembering his childhood" - as if somehow, he had managed to forget it.
I couldn't understand. The other people I was with started to remember other things too - like the Beanie Babies you could get for a while - and he was getting more and more freaked out and agitated, but again, happy too. After awhile I left, because it was getting out of hand (we were outside, it was pretty late, and it didn't seem appropriate to be screaming). But I can't get over what he said at first - "I'm remembering my childhood." How could you ever forget that much of it? Maybe it's just because I'm constantly reminding myself, but the things from my childhood are never far from my mind. When I start to get excited about old toys or shows or movies with people, it's because I'm excited by the fact that someone else remembers them too - not because I ever forgot. I always thought that was normal, but maybe I've been wrong. Maybe sometimes people do lose track of what the past was like.
The weird bit for me was that this guy is someone who's very in touch with his inner 5-year-old. So for him to become so upset and seem so completely awestruck by these memories was unsettling. In the end, I feel like it mostly just ends up being a product of the energy of so many people combined with the emotion of our last concert, but I can't help but wonder if that's how everyone else lives - forgetting about the past and being surprised when it does appear. It would explain a lot about politics.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)